Everywhere, We are Looking at Screens, Not Each Other

I look at my students as class is about to begin, and I see a sea of phones being rapidly finger-punched to hurl yet more zeros and ones into the ether. Why? What is it that makes this so inviting if not addictive?

Well, it's two things: the need for connection with others, and the intermittent reward that texts and emails and the like provide. Humans are driven to connect, like all mammals. We don't do well with isolation. We first get lonely, then irritable, then depressed. I am convinced many psychopathologies are at their core forms of emotional isolation. This goes back actually to attachment theory (another blog to be written here).

The phone or other electronic connection device appears at first to be ideal to satisfy our social needs: it is a quick way for us to converse and be assured that someone is actually thinking about us. The problem, of course, is that this is a pseudo-social connection. There is no gazing into someones eyes, at their face or body, no proximity to gauge, no tone of voice to measure, no touch to appreciate. The very heart of communication is missing from electronics. We can't really assess what our real connection is to that person. Even a phone conversation, a dying art, is not very personal. It appears to us as if this is real connection, however, because we do get a bit of dopamine, and a few other neurochemicals, when we perceive that a social interaction and connection has been made (there is lots of potential research to be done here).

Psychology informs us that when a reward (the text, the Face Book post, etc.) is perceived, and when that reward appears at intervals that are unpredictable (texts arrive without warning), we get unusually attached to it. This comes from the Behavioral Perspective and is well-researched. Further, we potentiate the cycle of rewards with our own behavior, such as when we send a text or make a post in response.

I fear all this is eroding social skills and making us all socially insensitive if not callous.

I have never sent a text and never will, but I am a Face Book poster, and for that I feel weak and wanting.


 

Why Religion Exists

I have fretted over writing this blog for some time. I want to first be clear that I think most people need religion in their lives.

Humans are unique in the animal world in their ability to ponder the past as much as they want and for no particular reason that is clearly adaptive. Some have suggested that reminiscence is a way for us to correct mistakes and be reminded of what to avoid.

We can also worry about the future and generate numerous possible fates. This brain function can serve clearly beneficial goals, but often becomes a burden, especially for those with high levels of free-floating anxiety.

We need safety, like all animals. We need social connection, like all mammals and many other animals. What better solution than to invent a god? A Church? A belief system? We can conveniently be assured in our minds that we are never alone, that we will never actually die, as we  cluster and cloister with others in a tight, mutually supportive social system. It's a perfect solution, in fact. We are no more or less alone than any other animal, but we are aware of our isolation and create a great deal of anxiety becasue of this; we generate all sorts of mecahnisms to quell it.

Of course, as man first evolved, all of nature was a mystery, and in the face of the unexplained, we almost always decide that there must be some supernatural, all-knowing something calling the shots. Although this is intellectually lazy, it is emotionally natural. At every turn in our history, we have seen firmly held supernatural beliefs about our world shattered after science or simple discovery provides more concrete explanations for the phenomena in question. What is strange is that even now many cling to mystical explanations despite us having used scientific inquiry to explain most things in clear and naturalistic terms. Why? Because to give up the supernatural increases ones initial anxiety, shakes the foundation, causes change which is inherently stressful, and calls into question the entire spiritual history one has treasured and used to justify almost everything done and all that is desired.

The other issue here is the unsupported notion that morality and good behavior emanates from god. Religious people often say that without a belief in god, people would have no moral compass and would therefore travel in hellish directions. I hasten to add that most murderers and thieves believe in god, and that Buddhists are nonviolent, reverential people. I also would point out that there is nothing socially useful a religion does that cannot, and is not, done by secular entities. Another blog is coming to mind here.

It is no wonder to me why religion exists, and why it would be improbable that many would give it up. Can't we just have better social clubs that do good things for people? I suspect not. Not as long as there exists intellectual laziness, a lack of curiosity, poor educational systems, and governments composed of such people. 

The Smartest, Quickest Way to Get a (Legitimate) College Degree

So we keep hearing about how expensive a college degree has become: it has. The school I went to back in the 60s and 70s cost then about $3500 per year for tuition and fees. Now it is about ten times that amount. If you live on campus there, it's more like $52,000!

I teach at a community college, and I can tell you this is the first, best place to go to school. Not only does a 2-year school cost less, it is often geared for the busy adult. Community colleges typically offer a full range of night classes, weekend classes, and online classes. Online courses are a great way to get official credit for courses that do not require a lab section, such as in a biology course, because you get to arrange when you will do the work: there is no class period you must attend. Of course, this means you will need to be self-motivated.

Second, community colleges are not substantially different from 4-year universities in the quality of courses they offer: they are using the same texts, they require the same level of work, and so on. An exception to this might be in comparison to ultra-high end schools such as Harvard or Cal Tech, where the amount and quality of work required to perform well is higher. But my community college isn't any more or less difficult that any identical courses at any of the regional universities.

If you are interested in a health field - getting a job is your goal - then community colleges are the place to go. You can make $60,000 a year starting as a Respiratory Therapist, $40,000 as a nurse, and $40,000 as a cyber security provider. The list goes on and on. The 2-year degree is quicker and therefore more lucrative than taking courses for the extra two years at a university.

Yet another advantage is generally small class sizes. I have taught a lecture course at a large state school that had 300+ students. At my community college,my classes run less than 30 students. That's very typical. It allows you to learn in a less impersonal, more informal environment.

If you are a high school student who wants to get a jump of college courses, then community colleges are a great start. They usually have special pathways for high school students to take advantage of their system and take courses.

Always check to see which courses will directly transfer to the 4-year school you may be planning to attend later. This information is readily available to you at the 2-year school. If you get a 2-year degree, generally all the courses will transfer, at least in terms of hours and as electives.

Oh well, I've made my point. Community colleges are a great way to get your higher education needs fulfilled. A final point: don't ever take any courses from strictly online schools that are not fully accredited! You will be spending money for nothing. I look first when part of a hiring committee if the applicant is degreed from these types of schools; I suspect most other employers do the same.



 

The Folly of Giving Advice

I teach a counseling course to students of Psychology, Social Work, and a variety of other majors. One of the concepts that I emphasize is that giving advice is at best ill-advised and at worst destructive to autonomy. What people do when asked for advice is usually to freely give it, thinking they are doing a good thing. You wanted an answer didn't you? Here's what I tell them:

1.   Ask one thousand people how to hammer a nail and you might get only a few variations of "pound the nail with the round end of the hammer." But ask those same people what you should do to stop being depressed, or how to decide whether to leave a marriage, and you'll get close to one thousand different answers. That's because they are answering from the perspective of "that's what I would do if I were you." Of course, they aren't you. So anything they recommend is particularly useless, and may be the exactly wrong thing to do.

2.   What happens if they take your advice, follow it to the letter, and it doesn't work out well? Folks with damaged self-esteem will blame themselves, thinking they didn't "do it right," or that fate interceded and they have no real power. Either way, they have learned nothing. They didn't come up with the answer, so by definition they won't get the self-satisfaction. They might also blame you for screwing things up!

3.   What happens if they take your advice and it works out perfectly? They will again have learned nothing. When yet another situation arises in the future, they will again seek advice, not knowing how to think through to a solution that best suits them. They may credit you, or falsely credit themselves.

4.  I am not talking about young children here. Kiddos need advice on a host of mundane issues as they learn the basics of behavior and applying solutions to problems. But even with children, the primary goal is for us to teach them how to think and decide, not what to think and decide. As children age, they should be given ever-widening levels of choices, decision-making and freedom, based on their maturity and readiness.

5.  I am not talking about advice on mechanical, concrete things like how to build a dog house or what immunizations one should receive.

Just remember that your undivided attention, your demonstration that you care, is the gift above all others: it means you value them, that they matter, that they are worthy.  Sure you can help them explore options,  consider alternatives, estimate the consequences of this versus that path. Just avoid telling people what to do! 

Empathy Deficit Disorder -- do you suffer from it?

 

By Amanda Robb

-- I swear on the "Thelma & Louise" video we watched into a scratchy oblivion: I didn't mean to be the worst friend ever. When Lisa -- my roommate and boon companion of three years --stepped into our apartment, sank to the floor, and clutched our cocker spaniel, I asked, "What's wrong?" with sympathy.

"I got fired," Lisa told me.

"Wow." I pulled her to her feet. "You'll have an amazing story for Jim's party tonight!"

Lisa's eyes went round and wet as the dog's when we left her at the vet. She said, "Come on, Maya" (who gave me a reproachful glance before obeying), disappeared into her bedroom (for three days), and never discussed career matters with me again.

Boy, was I annoyed. At age 26, I was a sublime friend. Lisa, also 26, was blessed to have an ally so honest about dates and hairstyles, so fiercely supportive of her dreams, and willing to defend her choices (the dates, hairstyles, and dreams) to her habitually nettling mom and dad. Never once in our relationship, I was proud to think, had I ever even been tempted to commit a single mortal friendship sin: being competitive, gossiping, or backstabbing.

To me, Lisa's job loss was no big deal. She had complained about the position. Her parents were rich and gave her money. She had nothing to worry about. I thought that reminding her we had something fun to do that night was an appropriate and kind response.

Psychologist Douglas LaBier, Ph.D., director and founder of the Center for Adult Development in Washington, D.C., disagrees. He explained to me that my dearest friend was humiliated by receiving a pink slip, feared she might be incompetent at everything she tried, and, because of me, felt utterly alone. I was, LaBier tells me, "catastrophically unempathetic" to Lisa.

At the heart of many problems

Today, 15 years later, I know why my attempt at consoling my friend was so ham-fisted. As LaBier explains, virtually everyone learns the basics of empathy in childhood (from our parents comforting us when we're in distress), but my father died when I was 4, and afterward my mother had to be very can-do, juggling three jobs, graduate school, and two kids. When I was upset, she never said, "Oh, I'm sorry. It must be hard to have me away so much after losing your dad."

Instead, on good days, she'd say, "Why are you crying? Nothing is wrong." And on bad days: "You'd better toughen up because life can get a lot worse." Looking back at my 20-something self, I realize that if, as LaBier says, empathy is "the ability or the willingness to experience the world from someone else's point of view," I wasn't brought up to be able to do that.

At least my lack of empathy was not unusual. Having practiced as a psychotherapist for 35 years, LaBier believes that what he calls empathy deficit disorder (EDD) is rampant among Americans.

LaBier says we unlearn whatever empathy skills we've picked up while coming of age in a culture that focuses on acquisition and status more than cooperation and values "moving on" over thoughtful reflection. LaBier is convinced that EDD is at the heart of modernity's most common problems.

When Lisa crept into her bedroom, I couldn't have articulated any of this. She might have felt abandoned, but all I knew was that I felt alone. My roommate had her dog, and they were both shunning me, and my boyfriend of four years wouldn't rescue me from the loneliness I increasingly felt by agreeing to get married. I went into psychotherapy.

Faking it a step to becoming empathetic

I thought my therapist would help me break up with my commitment-phobic lover, figure out how to choose less sensitive friends, and, of course, let me rant about my mother's shortcomings. I did get to rant -- about my mom, Lisa, and my boyfriend.

What surprised me was my therapist's response to these tirades. She never said, "Leave that rotten bastard." Or "Your roommate is a big baby." Instead she said, "Gosh, that sounds really hard." And, "That must have felt terrible." And, "How did you feel after that happened?" My reaction to those spectacularly bland comments was even more astonishing. I loved them.

"These very simple responses make you feel understood," says New York psychologist Frank M. Lachmann, Ph.D., author of "Transforming Narcissism: Reflections on Empathy, Humor, and Expectations."

He points out that many of the common responses -- "It could be worse"; "You should do X"; "Let's talk about something else" -- appear to be kind and aimed at soothing. But no matter how well intentioned, Lachmann says, these remarks are a rejection, a denial, of what the other person is going through. "They are code for 'Don't confront me with things that are unpleasant,'" he says. "Or 'Don't bother me with your pain.'"

About six months into psychotherapy, I started using what I thought of as my therapist's "lines."

When Lisa was offered a job at an organization she did not want to work at, I said, "Oh, that's a tough spot to be in." When my boyfriend was invited to study abroad, I said, "How do you feel about that?" What I really felt was: "Lisa, that job pays a ton of money, but I guess you can turn it down because your parents are loaded." And, "You selfish bastard, I'll kill you if you go to Europe without me."

Still, Lachmann says, I had taken the first step to becoming empathetic -- which is faking it. If you want to act more empathetic, you follow certain steps: Instead of telling people what they ought to do or becoming tyrannically optimistic, you offer sympathy, inquire about feelings, and validate those feelings. You'll be giving comfort to the other person, even if you yourself can't feel what they're going through.

It's true that for a long time, while I could say the appropriate thing, I could not relate to their struggles. Still, I took satisfaction in the fact that my relationships were improving. Then a year after starting therapy, I began feeling something intensely when comforting friends: terror.

This turned out to be a signal, Lachmann says, that I was actually feeling empathy.

Final insult

I didn't recognize it because I'd always run from emotional discomfort -- and, at least in the beginning, I found trying to be empathetic profoundly uncomfortable. Most of the time, I managed to avoid the impulse to blurt out unhelpful suggestions to my friends -- "Happy hour, anyone?" Or, "Here's the number for a credit consolidator!" -- and instead say the appropriate thing. But for years and years, I could stand genuine empathy only five minutes at a time.

For those five minutes, though, I was not alone. And once I had experienced the wonder of that, I was willing to stumble out of my comfort zone to try to be not alone again.

Virtually everything I have ever tried to improve about myself -- my weight, my sleep habits, my housecleaning -- has resulted in an endless seesaw of improvement. But empathy, I've learned, is not like dieting. (Or, at least, how I diet, which involves ending up back at square one.) Cultivating empathy has its own rewards: The more you do it, the better your relationships are and the more you want to continue.

Feeling understood in that therapist's office taught me that human beings are not doomed to be alone -- and empathy is life's connective tissue. If you have a romantic partner, he or she will someday believe that you are entirely wrong about something, and if you can see the problem from your partner's point of view, you'll be able to get through that conflict without smoldering in the corner or splitting up.

If you work with someone you despise (and who despises you back), and you try to understand why that person dislikes you, then you stand a chance of not hating every minute with her at the office. If you live in a world that you would like to see less divided by ethnic, economic, and religious strife, you'll find that attempting to comprehend the needs of your sworn enemies is a prerequisite to any meaningful action you can take.

Empathy will also require you to get past rationalizations and admit wrongdoing.

For about a decade after I started working to be more empathetic, I told myself that I hadn't hurt Lisa too badly because she never told me I had. But Lachmann points out that the final insult of being treated with a lack of empathy is that the hurt person usually can't complain. "If you say, 'That was such an unempathetic thing to say,' it can easily be heard as, 'Feel sorry for me.' And no one wants to be pathetic." So most people don't say anything, Lachmann says, and relationships "are often ruptured and ruined."

Lisa and I are no longer close. We live on opposite coasts. We have very different lives. But still, I couldn't bear the idea of us being "ruptured and ruined." I recently called her and said I was sorry for being selfish when she lost her job. I said I had eventually learned that it must have been a terrible time for her and that I had made it worse by leaving her so alone with all her confusion. Lisa was gracious ("You did your best"), forgiving ("Really, you were a wonderful friend to me overall"), and honest ("It was 15 years ago, and I'm over it now"). She changed the subject, and we caught up on our summer plans.

Her family -- along with the cocker spaniel, Maya, who was still alive and giving reproachful looks -- was planning a camping trip. Packing up, Lisa realized none of her jeans fit. Her pregnancies had stripped every curve from her body. She was skinny as a post. I began to wail,

"Oh my God, you lucky rat! I gained 10 pounds ... "

But then I stopped myself. "Um. So how does it feel to have to buy new jeans?" I asked.

There was a silence on the line. Then Lisa started laughing. "Wonderful," she said. "Absolutely wonderful."

By Amanda Robb from "O, The Oprah Magazine," April 2008

 

Lessons From My Dog

Will Rogers said, "If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
I awoke at 3 a.m. the other night, fear gripping my brow, dread crammed down my throat. Had I petted her and stroked her enough before the assistant took her from my arms? How frightened and abandoned she must feel.
My dog, a Chihuahua-dachshund round mound of lovin' pounds, recently underwent very serious surgery. I don't know how much longer I will have her in my life. This is serious stuff. I nearly lost her. Thanks to the skill of two surgeons working for hours, she will be here a while longer. She's a bit different though. The couch and bed now have shower curtains on them because, well, she leaks. And I will suffer any resulting social ostracizing to have her with me as long as possible, as long as she is not in pain.
Annie is more than a dog; she is family. She is as much a part of my daily living and daily learning as any human could be. What is she really like? Well...
She never once suggested I needed to rethink my wardrobe. When I feel bad, she applies her ever salubrious soul-saving saliva salve. She has never wavered in her commitment to be my best friend. She has heard more truth from me than any person has and has seen even more. Yes, she is fat (she has Cushings). But she is happy. Really happy. She is a very effective therapist, utilizing love implosion techniques. She can see in a single gesture what I am thinking. She knows only four emotional states: happy, sad, fearful and mad. Come to think of it, she's just like people that way. She is not my whole life, but has made my life whole.
There's a purity about dogs that is difficult to describe. If you have ever cared for a dog, you know. I say cared for, because we don't really own other living things, do we? Anyway, I think the wisdom of the dog is underrated. Let me explain. Annie has taught me some good stuff, like:

When thirsty, drink water.

When hungry, eat a snack.

When tired, sleep awhile.

A long walk can cure social deprivation and may even curb the blahs.

 If you are happy, let it out. Dance a jig.

Show family you are glad they have returned home.

Forgive quickly.

Be wary of strangers.

Greet friends with gusto.

Always be yourself.

Sleep in any position that works.

 Let others show you love.

Welcome affection at every moment.

Warn others quickly and loudly when there is danger.

Be loyal to those who treat you well.

Love can be pure, with no strings attached.

Wag your tail, not your tongue.

If someone feels bad, cuddle with them. No words are necessary./

 External appearances are irrelevant.

If you want love, show love.

It is no great mystery why dogs are man's best friends--they offer unadulterated expressions of what is good in people. I envy their loyalty, their courage, their joy.

I wrote this piece about seven years ago. Annie didn't survive much longer than the appearance of that column. I miss her, and think for her often.

Men, Gadgets, and Surfing

The biological heritage of men is that we are, and always will be, hunters. Once upon a time we served our species best when we used our superior physical speed and strength to hunt food, protect our family or clan, and exhibited these skills to make us more attractive to potential mates, which we also hunted. Now? We surf TV channels and the web with our spears.

The remote control is at its core the metaphorical spear, and surfing is being on a big hunt. We are constantly scanning the landscape, the digital horizon, for any tasty game worth killing or any female worth mating with. We pause on channels that depict these two most favorite things: fertile females and heroic violence.

Don't take away our weapons! We want to show you how protective and skillful we are at these so we want to be in charge of the spear. Gadgets are all basically stone tools and weapons that harken to a time when those meant life or death. We are that shaped by our collective unconscious. As the world shrinks in the face of population explosion and dwindling resources, this heritage will become increasingly influential.  The inhibitions that society places on our behavior will be less influential.

Why do we love sports? For the same reasons: we are visually and mentally imagining the competitions to see who will have the most food and who will mate with the fertile females.

So don't take away or devalue the few remaining symbols of what you wanted us for in the first place!

The Functions of Anger

Few would deny that anger is an unpleasant emotion. It stinks to feel it, and it feels particularly brutal when others direct it towards us. It is so undesirable that some people do everything in their power to not have it or to hear it. I know you've seen this: someone smiles even wider when they're angry, flatly denies that they're angry (even when it's obvious they are), or displaces their anger onto those they claim to love. But everything we do, feel, and think serves multiple purposes. We aren't just random assemblages of biological processes and behaviors, after all. So what are the purposes of anger?

1.   To create distance. Anger is the emotion that tells us one or more boundaries have been stepped on. Physical, emotional, spiritual, or cognitive boundaries are all monitored by us to insure safety, and when someone violates them, we get pissed. The ensuing distance allows us to evaluate the damage and decide whether and how to re approach the offending person.

2.   To energize. Ever wonder why teams, states, or nations seem to feel not just competition, but sometimes sheer hatred towards each other? Anger gives us the energy to "fight," to compete. Most all modern competitions are vestiges of biological competitions for food, shelter, and families.

3.   To be heard. Folks who have poor communications skills, or who are meek and mild (passive) may believe they need to get angry in order to get others to listen to them. It is this same group that typically doesn't enforce their boundaries well enough so that their anger builds over time, until it spills out in great volume, often at the slightest event.

4.  To get what we want at the expense of others. Some folks are just assholes who like to overpower others to get what they want. These individuals don't care about you or me. They are the aggressors of our species.

Well anger is normal; it's common. It can tell us much. But it doesn't have to hurt. 

Ninety Percent of the Time

If there's one thing I know, it's that I don't know everything. But some things I am pretty sure of:

90 percent of the time, life requires the skills of chess but is dictated by the chance of roulette.

90 percent of the time, the crisis we fear will occur never does.

90 percent of the time, the crisis we never considered is the one that happens.

90 percent of the time, the advice your mother gives you is quite good, unless of course your mother is nuts.

90 percent of the time, we are safer than our worries warn us.

90 percent of the time, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.

90 percent of the time, there is an excellent life partner available to us, right nearby.

90 percent of the time, the person you most want to be like isn't like that at all.

90 percent of the time, the chaos that surrounds a person is caused by that person.

90 percent of the time, we see only what we want to see.

90 percent of the time, we eat too much and say too little.

90 percent of the time, what we know about how nature operates is supported by the next round of data collection.

90 percent of the time, our data collection methods in the natural world are significantly narrow and flawed.

90 percent of the time, anger is underlain by feelings of helplessness.

90 percent of the time, people who have trouble talking with you about what you are going through emotionally predicts they would make bad romantic partners and even worse friends.

90 percent of the time, when we feel certain that we understand someone's motivations, we don't.

90 percent of the time, seeing a mental health professional is at least mildly helpful.

90 percent of the time, a therapist acts as a mirror, helping you to speak the unspeakable, helping to clarify your own strengths and goals.

90 percent of the time, what we anticipate will take the least amount of time requires the most.

90 percent of the time, I have no idea what the odds really are.

Oh well, the probability is that I have most of this at least partially right for most circumstances for many people. Of that I am certain.








This originally was published in a weekly newspaper, as a column wrtten by the author of this blog; no changes were made.

Fat Insulates More than Just From the Cold

There are many unwritten rules of thumb in the world of psychotherapy. There are ones about the relationship between chaos and the Borderline Personality Disorder, the ways to quickly assess a person's risk to become either Anxiety Disordered or Depressed, and even a few about how to calculate the emotional age of substance abusers. These are rules of thumb (although I despise the origin of that phrase) because they seem to work fairly well in clinical settings, but are not substantiated by scientific scrutiny.

The one I am most intrigued by is this: the amount of fat a person has is roughly proportional to the amount of anger and resentment they contain. Emphasis on the word "contain." I have worked with many dozens of high BMI clients, some morbidly obese, others just packing a few extra pounds. At heavy to obese and beyond, the shoe appears to fit.

The idea is this: if you wanted to devise a way to signal to people that you don't want to be touched, approached, cuddled, or accepted, what better way than to insulate yourself against these than by literally creating a barrier that is both physical and metaphorical. It serves a protective function and to fulfill the prophesy of self-rejection. When someone not happy with themselves believes they don't deserve love and acceptance, they prove it by watching others' reactions to their weight, and then say to themselves, "See, I knew I was repulsive, I knew no one loved me," or some such self-talk.

A self-perpetuating cycle easily can ensue.

Now there are added factors of course. One is that people with low self-esteem eat too much, particularly sugary and fatty stuffs  because these foods create a temporary sense of well-being at a biochemical level. Comfort food it's called. Your brain is primed to deliver the chemical message that we interpret as: this food is extra special and feels good to eat; we might not get more of this kind of rare stuff, so eat up! When humans were in the savannah, foraging for all things edible, we were rewarded by the also evolving fruits and berries in the world. Plants actually evolved with our brains in mind and vice versa. Our modern food industry mimics the tastes we are most rewarded by and amplifies them. Sugar and fat.

Another factor to consider is that people in lower socio-economic strata have less disposable income, and fatty foods are cheaper than nutritious foods. Ever compare Twinkies with fresh vegetables? This is part of the explanation for why this group of people is consistently heavier than higher socio-economic groups.

Well, those caveats considered, there is still a relationship that holds up between self-esteem and weight. I am not the first to notice it, and eventually there will be science done to confirm this and to validate more specifically that it is anger that is being insulated against. Scratch the surface of a fat person, and the first thing you often get is incredible anger. They may on the surface appear passive, friendly, or placid, but watch out below. Of course they are angry! They hate the idea of unacceptability, often blame others for their slights and pain, and frequently harbor the notion that they are particularly giving, self-sacrificing, even pious and yet are being rejected.

So, the question is begged: since Americans are getting fatter and fatter, does this mean we are suffering lower and lower self-esteem and generating more and more anger? I think the answer is clear.

When Cancer Becomes Typically Curable, Socialized Medicine Will Begin

We've all seen the strides being made lately in treating various forms of cancer: new procedures, gene therapies, and high cure rates in experimental trials. It is my estimation that when we are able to reliably target and destroy cancers such that cures are often achievable, there will be a cry so loud that the demands will soon outweigh treatment supply. What do you expect insurance companies to do? That's right, they will charge us through the nose or not cover those treatments, so that once again only the wealthy will be cancer-free. But here's what will happen soon after: because no one will long permit those who could be cured to die, the public, socialized option for medicine will be demanded by all. No more Tea Baggers, liberals, Green Party, or conservatives. Those delineations will disappear like yesterday's news.

In a related only tangentially item: did you know that insurance plans almost always only cover a once per lifetime artificial limb reimbursement? That is, if they cover it at all. So let's see now, if it's a child who needs one, he or she will need a new one (in a different size) almost every year until the age of 18 or so. How does that make any sense? It's the almighty dollar again, my friend. The expendable portion is the dignity, productivity and mobility of the person so that the insurance company can make money and pay its executives vast sums and share holders somewhat less. I bet they even sleep well at night.

How can you (we) sit here and demand less than good conscience dictates?

Found a New Doctor

I went to see a new physician today, and so far, so good. I told her what I needed more than anything else: someone who will listen, guide, and adjust along side me. She appears to be willing...

Oh yeah, she's an amateur jeweler who like gems and minerals. Another connection.

Love Story

Humans tell stories, and that is a central way in which we differ from other animals. We weave the elements of our lives together like a tapestry. Story telling is a way to create familiarity, and in this way stories create safety.

Who doesn't like a good story? Stories are used to impart morals and values, to tell others about the sentinal events that shaped us, and to pass culture to the next generation. Stories connect us to our past, give meaning to our present, and to cement a direction to the future. Story telling must have begun soon after languge appeared in humans: it is so compelling that we cannot sit long without anyone telling or listening to one.

In the same way, love is a story.

Love is a product of our mind that interprets for us, makes sense of, our pair bonding experience. Love is about creating a new story that binds lovers together in a timeline that is remembered as a series of varying contexts and events. No love is without a story: where you met, the first time you made love, the bitter way that it ended. Stories about love are told through ballads, books, blogs and countless venues. Almost all bars are filled with simultaneous story telling groups, male or female, old and young. The conversations at water fountains are frequently stories about love gone well or badly or longed for. All mythology is story. Religions are all story.

Love is a powerful, often referenced phenomenon, ubiquitous and omnipresent throughout human history. Love is biologically based and neocortex-mediated for each individual. There is no specific region in the brain where "love" resides (although the dopamine center releases its stuff when we think about or see pictures of our beloved), but you would expect there to be one: it is probable that "love" is nothing more than what you decide to call the release of dopamine and other hormones and neurotransmitters that gives us the "special feeling" as we desire a particular person. If we feel sexual desire for anyone, it may or may not be that we have decided to interpret this as love; more likely, love begins as we expand our experiences with someone in the throws of sexual interaction. The sex becomes a cement to the story we are building.

When we behave in ways that ensure our partner's well-being, growth and development are as important to us as our own, than we have made them the central character in our story.

More on Blonde Hair

Some time ago I wrote a blog (Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow) concerning hair and in it I mentioned an association between blond hair and the ancient way of identifying prostitutes. To those who rightfully chastised me: I was trying to make a point, but I made it incompletely and therefore misleadingly.

I said:
"Now the show also made reference to the scarcity of blond hair as the origin to its special importance and interest. Not entirely true. Yes, blond hair is less common than shades of brown or black, but if this were the directing variable, then red haired women would be in special demand, and they are not. In ancient times, prostitutes dyed their hair blond as a signal that they were in the sex business, to distinguish them from all others. That conditioning has carried a long way forward. Do blonds have more fun? Only if you are blond and a prostitute, and only if you consider prostitution "fun."

In an effort to be more intellectually honest, here is the rest of this story:
Sociobiological reasoning has it slightly deeper. First of all, prostitutes dyed their hair blond perhaps because Aphrodite, Greek goddess of love, was depicted with blond hair, and she was always one who conveyed youth, fertility, and beauty. But there are things beneath that: why was she shown this way?

Well, blond hair is more common among children, especially female children, owing to genetic differences in pigmentation. As women get older, their hair typically darkens. The almost Freudian notion is that therefore, blond hair evokes feelings and behaviors in men in the direction of fatherhood and paternalistic protection (a kind of ownership). So, as men prefer signs of youth and fertility (clearly demonstrated in research), blond women would be more likely to arouse this set of behaviors.

Blond hair dye in this country is 5 times more popular than any other color, and so there we are: blonds do "have more fun" because they evoke long buried sexual pursuit signals in the brains of men and gain additional social attention and invitations because of it.

Buddhism and Wicca

Did you know these two are the only religions that do not alienate or desparage homosexuals?

Money is Like Water...

When we hear from corporations whenever they reap the benefits of their newly acquired revenue streams, increased cash flow and optimized liquidity, we can know the metaphor is exact. Money flows in streams, towards the deepest locations, the deepest pockets, away from shallow places. The deeper the pockets, the more water that flows into them. Money, like water, precipitates often where it is least needed, and evaporates into thin air when parched earth, the poorest soils, need it most.

The coming decades will witness water distribution as the key to survival, wealth and war. There is enough water in our biosphere. In its various forms and constituencies we have all we need if only there were a worldwide system to deliver it to where it is needed most. In that same way, money is plentiful, too. But it's soaking fewer and fewer pockets at the expense of those who could use a little relief on occasion. It's always been this way.

SIRI: A Sign of the Impending End of Civilization

We are very close to no longer needing to speak to any real person, to look anyone in the eye. SIRI and its soon to follow upgrades are making the alone experience less lonely, but at a great cost: our social skills will eventually become eroded to the extent that we will not be able to decipher body language, which relies on a constant correction process that compares nonverbal cues with verbal ones. I fear our future. With robotic responses in pleasant, even sexual tones, what will we want with real people? We will no longer be required to interact in any way that is meaningful. We will become quintessentially narcissistic and not be able to tolerate anything other than "yes." Am I being too dramatic here?

We may even be able to invent robotic people with lifelike skin that obviates any human contact. As in the movie Surrogates, we will lay in bed and not come outside anymore, breathe fresh air, and will eventually, perhaps even quickly, become deeply, deeply depressed. Did you know that depression rates have escalated every decade following the 1940's here in America?

If I'm being honest and not kind, I think America is on the way down. We will fight tooth and nail to stop it, mind you, but we have evolved into overusing, over-coddled, overweight dullards. I may move to Sweden or Denmark or maybe Australia. I was going to move there in my early twenties, but I chickened out. I think I'm too old to do it now. My sister and her husband, folks I think very highly of, threaten to move to Nova Scotia every once in a while, every time the U.S. fucks up in yet another big way that always seems to trample the average guys. It's been happening a lot lately.

It Has Been A Ride...

I haven't blogged in a while now. The semester is ending, with the flourish of exams, paper grading, and student excuses. The paperwork for summer and fall is due soon enough, and I am tired. Oh yeah, and there's unfinished grief at home. My wife's sister remains in ICU. She's still not even close to well, and we don't know what will happen ultimately. My wife's mother has been deceased a few weeks, but the ultimate grief has yet to fall, likely because her sister is touch and go in the hospital. The tears are being saved, just in case.

The bill for my sister's ICU stay? It just topped approximately 1.2 million dollars - only in America. Thousands of citizens go bankrupt each year due to medical bills. When will we learn? Health care should not be for sale.

Can Death be Dignified?

My wife at this very moment is in vigil awaiting the passing of her mother at the hospital. She is accompanied by her dad (a very intelligent and stoic man who comes to the hospital when he can, when his energy outweighs his exhaustion), sister, a niece, a nephew, her brother, and our daughter, who has no experience with death. Her other sister is also in the hospital, in ICU now for nine weeks, at a different location across town. Her bill for her ICU stay just topped one million dollars. It is now pouring outside and in.

Her mom had always been a bit of a maverick. She believes in reincarnation, despite the simultaneous Catholic tradition the whole family enjoys. She loved Yoga, and at age 75 she could contort in ways only a teen could. Her Alzheimer's left her a bit confused about things like cooking and whether to get the place ready for guests that had not been invited.

A hospital chaplain came in late last night. She said a strange prayer that I judged to be disconnected. But when everyone in unison began to recite the Lord's Prayer, I joined in too, and managed to remember it well enough from my childhood in the folds of the Methodist church.

I keep wondering: what does the dying person want most?

To have the family there, to not be frightened, to not be in pain, to know that they have done well, that they were and are loved, to have an expectation that they will somehow continue. These things are unrelated to any religion. They are human needs, they are psychological necessities.

Update: My wife called this very minute to tell me her mother has died. I know her mom felt the love of her family. My wife was playing Let It Be by the Beatles and her mother passed at the very moment the last line of that song was sung. No shit.

Update: The funeral was today. It was a Catholic mass, very touching, tons of symbolism. Did you know that the "smoke" they throw about the casket came from a time when the churches would be filled with folks who never bathed, who smelled to high heaven. The smoke was room freshener. Now it represents prayers and souls ascending to heaven, instead of just odors.

My wife was holding herself together, as was her whole family. They all need some serious crying time.

5 Ways Atheism Can Be Spiritual by Ben Atwood

Apr. 16, 2012

By Ben Atwood  reposted from the Thought Catalog

 

It is often thought that atheists have no spirituality. That all atheists care about is making religious people feel stupid, and that there is no more to life than understanding complex interactions between matter. That feeling connected or involved in the universe is solely the privilege of the faithful. I disagree with this.

Though I dislike the word spirituality itself, mainly due to all its religious connotations, I understand the word’s significance. Spirituality is simply an adjective that is used to describe the search for one’s place in the universe.
No one wants to feel alone in life, and even if you are alone, being spiritual makes you feel connected to the world and other people in it. Atheists get that, and it is important, maybe even essential, to our species’ psychological makeup to feel this way. There are ways to feel involved with the world that do not involve mystic mumbo-jumbo however.

1. Understanding Life

Science as a whole is a woefully-neglected subject in public schools, and it is a shame, because of all disciplines, it can be the most spiritual, especially the study of biology.
All species on earth were at one time connected, we all share certain common characteristics passed on through eons in our DNA strands, and we are just one link in a chain whose future is uncertain. Think of how mind boggling it is that for about 150,000 years human beings, no different than you and me, walked the Earth with other human-like species. Or how incredible it is that we share a common ancestor with both a dragonfly and a grapefruit.
To know evolution is to know the story of life on earth, and to know the scientific story of life is to feel connected to the world as you never have before.

2. Understanding the Stars

There are more stars in the universe than grains of sand on Earth. That is a stupefying number of stars. The size and scale of the universe are unfathomable, and the age is beyond comprehension. There are stars in the universe whose size is a million times bigger than our sun, which is the size of about a million earths. If the study of biology makes us feel connected to the world, the universe reminds us of our place in it, and our past in the stars.
Everything that exists was forged in the furnace of a star, which is the only place hot enough for atoms to merge and combine to form new elements. All the elements that make up your body came from a supernova, which means you, and everyone you love, and everything you see is connected not only with each other, but with the entire universe as well.

3. Death

Most people live their entire lives trying to deny that they will die. Some people don’t really live their entire lives trying to avoid their ultimate fate. Death is the great equalizer, and it will come to us all one day. There is no escaping it, and really, very little that can be done to postpone it.
When you die, your body decomposes back into various elements which are consumed and used and put back into the earth, which will be blown up eventually by the sun, and scattered across the universe. Embracing the idea that you will die also becomes liberating. Once someone accepts that their death is inevitable, they begin to lose tolerance for doing something they hate doing.
Frederick Douglass wrote in his memoirs that when he was a slave he was terrified of being whipped, until one day he struck a white man. Knowing the penalty for hitting a white person was death, Douglass spent a few days living in terror of what would happen next. While he wasn’t killed, his brush with death changed him forever. He realized that as a slave his days were numbered anyway, and that one day soon, he would probably die a violent death. Once he accepted this his condition became intolerable. He lost the fear of dying in pursuit of living.
Accepting that one day you will die is a key factor in deciding to really live. To grab your life, and decide, this is what I am going to do, is the key to happiness.

4. Embracing Freedom

Once one acknowledges that death is inevitable, there are only two choices. Live life as you want to, or just wait it out. I think the most spiritual way someone can spend their life is embracing all the challenges of pursuing your dreams, not kneeling in front of some altar. The freedom to use the brief time you have to exist is a freedom that no one can deny you.
Whether you want to be a chef, a doctor, or a pornographic film maker, the choices you make are entirely yours, and you have all the power to create make your life into a work of art, unique and totally yours.

5. Lack of Control

Paradoxically, the more control one gains over one’s life, the more one realizes the less control one has over events. True spirituality with the universe recognizes that randomness plays a large part in our day to day lives.
Being spiritual means not fighting these changes that cannot be fought, such as a relative dying in a freak accident, losing one’s job because of the economy, having your face ripped off by an angry chimp.
Change is the only constant in life, and it is embedded in the laws of physics. To be a part of change is to be a part of the world, being changed is existing. Struggling against change is struggling against the will of the universe.

The Real Scoop on Being Beautiful

There have been recent articles about what it's like to be beautiful, and in at least one case a British woman says she caught hell because of it. She says other women resent her for being attractive. Maybe. Psychology, Sociology and Anthropology have looked at this issue.

When a person is unusually attractive, some "good" things happen:
1.   You get higher pay for equal work, proportionate to your level of attractiveness.
2.   You get better jobs to start with.
3.   Bail is set lower for you.
4.   You more easily influence others.
5.   You are thought to be more socially adept.
6.   You get more social invitations.
7.   People believe you have high self-esteem.
8.   You are assumed to have a host of additional positive traits even though there are no bases on which to make those assumptions (the Halo effect).

There are a few downsides to being very attractive:
1.   You have less assurance that people are attracted to the insides of you.
2.   People hit on you. It's not that great after a while.
3.   The assumptions people make about the additional qualities you have are ones you will feel compelled to pretend you possess.
4.   If you are a female who is beautiful, you will not be taken seriously.


The one thing that's worse than being beautiful is being beautiful and rich. Then you have additional hurdles in finding someone who likes you just for you. I know rich people who are incredibly lonely for this very reason.

I will never know the agony of being rich or of being beautiful, but if anyone wants to unburden themselves from the chains of their wealth, I will make the supreme sacrifice to take over that responsibility.

Books I am Currently Reading (like you care)

1.  Random House Writer's Reference
2.  Fact-o-Pedia
3.  The CIA World Factbook, 2012
4.  Atmosphere (Peterson Field Guide)
5.  Random House Rhyming Dictionary
6.  European Architecture
7.  How to Build Stairs
8.  Meteorites
9.  The Strange Metamorphosis of Zachary Warren

In no particular order, at no particular pace, for no particular reasons.

Lesotho reader(s)

I am always fascinated with what countries are reading at least some of my material, even though it is more for my cathartic benefit that I write anything at all.

I saw that twice someone from Lesotho looked at this stuff (what stuff I don't know.) I didn't know much about that country except that it is landlocked within South Africa, about the size of Maryland. I learned subsequently that the median age there is around the early twenties, the average life span is in the thirties, and that around 30% of the population has HIV+/AIDS (those things all being related.)

I don't know what life is like there, but I felt a rush of sadness and some guilt at living a life that allows me to complain about totally unimportant stuff. I have already exceeded by a darn sight the average life span of folks there, and I although I have no wealth by American standards, and live paycheck to paycheck, I suspect my life would be seen as supremely privileged by Lesothans (sp?) any day of the week.

I wish you all well, and wish that in any day there is joy to feel.

Still More Rantings

I am starting to become disillusioned. I'm not very old, just slower and more thoughtful. And I am beginning to think that insight is not a virtue. Please, please spare me any more of it. I see things I don't want to see. I don't see dead people, but I do see the core of individuals in ways far more accurately than I once did; an occupational hazard. I really wish I could see the good in everyone and not see their faults. But I am entrusted by them to do just that and to help them deal with it.

I know this will likely sound crazy or perhaps narcissistic to some, but here goes: I can actually sit for a very short time, paying close attention to face and body and a bit of what they say and I can tell a ton about them. I mean even down to very personal stuff they have yet to reveal and may never. I have tested myself on this. It's a bit scary. I think this is what is done by "mindreaders." It's really just observational interpersonal hypersensitivity (I made that term up).

The question for me is: what should I do about what I know?

Least Favorite Questions Asked By Students

In order of increasing dislike, these are the questions I loathe the most, followed by what I would say if I didn't actually care about hurting their feelings:

"Is this stuff gonna be on the test?" (Of course not. I rarely talk about anything that might be on a test!)

"Is this course hard?" (No! I only teach easy courses so you won't be required to read or study anything!)

"Are we done learning all the big words?" (Yes, thankfully, because I really hate pronouncing all those big suckers.)

"Did I miss anything important?" (Of course not, I never say anything important! We were waiting for you to return to start the important stuff!)

Do Me A Favor, Please

If you are visiting this blog, leave a trace: a comment, a button on the bottom of each blog entry, something. Best would be if you became a follower. I ask this because I just want to know who you guys are from all over the world who are reading this drivel. Thanks.

Mild Observations

Most of what we do in the world is distraction from considering our mortality. Damn that neocortex!

There is nothing in this world except to have fun (after you work a bit) and not hurt anybody; the rest is just dressing. Italian and French, no doubt.

After this world? I can't know, and neither can you. But make up your mind if you can; agnostics are the heaviest drinkers.

It's going to rain. I can feel the humidity and stillness that comes before it. The storm is playing possum, hoping we'll forget he's coming.

Got a new bird cage for our two Parakeets. It's a bit larger. They can fly around a bit now. Shouldn't I get a room-sized cage?

Do they have a dreary life, caged, dependent on us for food and water? Do they wish to fly beyond their cage? Maybe they really don't. Maybe they are extraordinarily content. How can you tell the difference with Parakeets? They are fluttering behind me. But I can hear their wings on occasion making contact with the bars.

I had Chinese leftovers tonight. And the night before. They were better than last night when they were a day fresher. I can't figure out why. Maybe last night I was consumed by anticipation of basketball games and missed the taste.

Why do we keep thinking socialism is "evil." We have a hybrid system already: the Postal Service, the military, Medicaid, Medicare, Welfare, Social Security and a host of other programs are all socialist constructions. I am willing to bet that the folks who think socialism is evil are either wealthy or completely uniformed. The worst form of ignorance is the rejection of something about which you know nothing.

What did we do before toilet paper? Well, in the late 19h and early 20th centuries, we often used the ubiquitous Sears and Roebuck catalogue pages, affectionately called "Rears and Sorebutts." In other countries even today, the left hand, sans any covering, is applied. I find this hard to swallow. If true, watch out for their fast food restaurants.

Ideas for the Foolish

1.   Spin off for yet another TV reality show for hoarders: "Don't Mess with My Mess"

2.   Create a writer's software program that includes a dictionary with synonyms and antonyms, usage, grammar, rhyming dictionary, encyclopedia and history links, word and phrase etiologies, and so forth, all in one program. Synthesize it with a word processing program and put all this stuff on the tool bar or have these come up when you highlight a word or phrase or sentence?

3.   Give me thirty minutes alone with every presidential candidate and allow me to ask any questions I want. Then read my impressions before you vote.

4.   Require doctors and dentists to take a course - a full semester - in social skills training. I am getting very sick of doctors who: 1. don't listen, 2. run in and out the door without so much as a whisper of understanding of their patients, 3. try to make you feel stupid, 4. have the goal in mind without knowing all the facts, and 5. act as if you are blessed by their presence. They work for us, and we pay them well, so who's in charge?

5.   Reward teachers! Plaques, certificates, assemblies in our honor, yes, but money speaks in the highest volume.

6.   On all radios put in a repeat button/dial, maybe at 15 second intervals per punch or a dial that allows you to go back as far as you want. That way you can listen to the song you just heard or the news flash you just missed again. Can't be that tough.

7.   Of course we are headed this way: a single device that does it all. We are close, but what we would need to get rid of all else would be a built in projector to show movies/TV on a wall, and a virtual keyboard. But, no music would ever be heard at the full dynamic range or quality. Maybe peripherals could be plugged in until those technologies could be developed.

8.   Why is it so hard to find blueberry Hostess fruit pies? We need instantaneous global access.

9.   Holographic three dimensional setups for rooms with character delete modes so that you could put yourself into the scene. Great training for actors. I think this is still 10-15 years out.

10. All mail delivered on Saturdays only. Private mail companies could deliver at other times. Money savings, yes, but I am thinking it would make Saturdays an even more special day.     

Newest Pet Peeves

1.  Using the word "to" when the word "too" is the correct choice. It's too easy to get wrong.

2.  Leaving lights on. I am on the verge of becoming my father.

3.  Leaving crackers or other bread products out, cover off, container not closed, etc. Who is it that craves stale Saltines?

4.  Thinking that emotions are always reflections of the truth, which then become a projection. "I am angry, therefore, there is something or someone to be angry with." Of course emotions are sometimes accurate reflections, but how do you know the difference?

5.  Thinking you know a lot about a subject because you read an article. "That evolution thing is so wrong!" I am particularly disturbed when someone reads something that is not scientific but claims it to be so. Like the Bible.

6.  Thinking all online sources are reliable or relevant. "If it's in writing and it's on the web, it must be the truth!" Elvis is not dead.

7.  Letting people take advantage of you. "It's my duty to do things for other people." "A good person is someone who helps other people out (all the time at your expense)." Believing this will ensure a particularly miserable life.

8.  Thinking you know what comes after death. "I'll be greeted by Jesus at beautiful pearly gates and see all my loved ones." And meet Elvis, who isn't dead yet. Why "pearly?" Wouldn't old wooden ones appeal to more folks and add a little humble character? I know only one thing for certain: my body will be worm food.

9.  Believing that humans are somehow fundamentally different from other living things. Nope.

10.  Raising your kids without limits or expectations, protecting them from all things difficult, showering them with gifts and praise at every turn, and rewarding them for the slightest effort or accomplishment. All I know is, I don't want to be friends with that kid when he gets older.

 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

I watched a CBS segment this AM about women and their hair. Their conclusion was that women who have "bad hair days" really are less confident and it negatively affects them through their day. But why?

In some ways, the answer goes to Evolutionary Psychology.  Evolution favors the genetically better. Humans are conditioned to respond to cues of genetic, and therefore immune system, superiority: clear skin, waist hip ratios close to .7 (in females; in males .9), and other signals like full, shiny hair. Hairdos are simply amplifications of this biological cuing system. What's this about on a psychological level? Fear of rejection. I explain this to my students whenever I can. We fear first and foremost (after the threat of loss of food, water, and other biological necessities) that others will not approve of us, that  we will not be loved. This fear derives from pair bonding imperatives, and it is intense and primal. The advertising machinery knows this.

The manipulations of this are so clear that I am still astonished that most cannot see it. Advertisers play on the dynamic by engaging the fears shared by everyone (save for a few with particular pathologies or perhaps a highly evolved individual) and then offering a way to quell them by implying that if you buy this product, you will be loved and accepted.

Take shampoos. The Prell commercial where the woman fans in slow motion her magnificent head of thick and shiny hair, is a great example. If you use Prell, you too will be beautiful, and if you are beautiful (because right now you are not) others, particularly men, will want you. You will no longer be lonely or feel like an outcast. You will be in the group that men yearn and hunt for. And if you keep using our products, your partner will stay with you.

 I recently asked a class of mine why women need so many pairs of shoes? A student responded saying "It's fashion!" I asked what the need was for a woman to be  in fashion? She said, "So you'll look your best!" Who runs the fashion and cosmetic industry? Men. Who spends the money on advertising to get your attention? Men. Who wants you to wear a certain outfit, a certain pair of shoes? Men. Why? Do men really care what kind of shoes a woman is wearing? No. So the whole thing is simply a manipulation to get your money? Yes. How do they do it? Easy. By showing you imagery of unhappy, lonely women who are wearing shitty shoes. These women are sad, depressed, frazzled. And then you see happy, fulfilled women in relationships who use the product. They virtually writhe in orgasmic ecstasy before your eyes. Who would you rather be? Nuff said.

It's the same formula they use to sell everything to men. We are sold formulas and hardware to make us more virile and to generate envy among other men, a way to ascend in the hierarchy of social power and dominance. Drink Budweiser, and you too can have a swarm of beautiful comely women playing volleyball with you on the beach, all smiling and ready to go to bed with you. Men are sold a bill of goods, too, on things like Viagra. Never mind that these drugs are only 60-80% effective: they are sold as cure-alls for failing penises, the worst imaginable destiny for any man. A man without a stiff one is useless, the advertising implies. Buy this product and you'll really be a man!

Now the show also made reference to the scarcity of blond hair as the origin to it's special importance and interest. Not entirely true. Yes, blond hair is less common than shades of brown or black, but if this were the directing variable, then red haired women would be in special demand, and they are not. In ancient times, prostitutes dyed their hair blond as a signal that they were in the sex business, to distinguish them from all others. That conditioning has carried a long way forward. Do blonds have more fun? Only if you are blond and a prostitute, and only if you consider prostitution "fun."

In the end, things are distractions from what's really important: our emotional connections to others.

The 2012 U.S. Presidential Campaign: What I Want

I have some things I want to say about the candidates and the upcoming election:

1.  I want someone who doesn't want to be president to be president. You have to ask yourself: what kind of person really would want to be president? You have to be a fucking idiot to want to be president. You get old and grey really fast, few really like or trust you, and you actually have little power to fix much of anything. I want a Jewish banker or an Organizational Psychologist or maybe even a Social Worker. Those folks know what the score is.

2.  I want a ceiling placed on campaign expenditures. After the Supreme Court decided that corporations are people, money has poured in as predicted. So what would happen if we set a limit, of say 10 million dollars? No TV ads, no constant mailers, no robocalls, no bullshit. Well, there would be lots more emails.

3.  I want each and every candidate to take the MMPI with professional interpretation and an FBI background check. I want all the neighbors who these candidates have ever had to be interviewed and those interviews put on YouTube. Guess what? Obama would come out way ahead.

4.  I want Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman back in the race. I miss those batshit crazy gals. I really am entertained by folks who don't have a clue how narcissitic, stupid and intollerant they actually are.

5.  I want to see whether these candidates know how to do laundry and go shopping using coupons. If they get confused at any time during these activities, they're out!

6.  I want to see film of Newt Gingrich talking to his various wives, in their homes. Think about this: he is using daughters from his first marriage to serve as witnesses against his second wife who he says is lying about his third one, who he cheated on his second wife with, who he went to see in the hospital to serve divorce papers on. I think we'd all breathe easier knowing that he is as we all suspect: completely narcisssistic and controlling; that he really is a person of low character and a complete faker when he pretends to give a shit about you and me.

7.  I want our president to come clean: he (or if we are lucky, she) doesn't control the economy. We are globally intertwined such that this is not posssible. The congress is so unable to reach consesnsus that this is now impossible. Doesn't the congress have incredible authority to make fundamental changes in economic policy? They blame the president while they sit on their fat, rich asses and do nothing. Ask yourself this: what policies has anyone in congress come up with that in any way fundamentally improves our economy in the last ten years? Can't even tell you. Why would they change anything so lucrative to them?

8.  I want to end to offshore money hiding/laundering/banking by anyone, anywhere. No more Swiss bank accounts or Cayman Island bank accounts that simnply deprive us of useful and appropriate funds to do our country's business. No more corporations hiding in foreign countries to pay slave wages and hide under lenient tax codes. Folks who hide money are not patriotic Americans who give a damn about anything but themselves. They certainly aren't creating any jobs.

9.  I want an end to congressional insider trading. That's just so incredibly wrong, at every level.

10. I want every president to get sex on demand. I'm serious. The world becomes instantaeously both clearer and rosier at those moments, doesn't it?

That should just about do it.