"I have to figure out how to break up with my boyfriend. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that I'm not in love with him anymore," Jackie, 19
Please, please, please, would someone explain to me the difference between being in love and loving someone? Do you mean, Jackie, your boyfriend has moved into that no-man's land of friendship? Has the intensity of your love diminished? Or are you simply unwilling to say that you don't like him anymore and you just want out? It matters not I suppose, but I've heard those words before from women who were breaking up with me: "I still love you, I'm just not in love with you anymore!" See this from the guy's perspective-very confusing. Here are some other very unsatisfactory, although common, ways to dump us:
1. "It isn't you, it's me." Translation: "It's you, not me." You could be right, it may be you. Trust me, we know what those words mean.
2. Tell your friends before us. I once ran into a friend of mine and told him how sorry I was that he was getting a divorce. He didn't know a thing about it. Ouch. Everybody but him knew. Two months prior I heard about their impending breakup.
3. "I never loved you anyway." Puuleeeeezzze.
4. Have sex with us right before you dump us. This is particularly cruel and unusual punishment. The only thing more confusing is having sex right after you break up with us. Ex-sex is a place very few people can venture safely. Do not try this at home. You could get seriously hurt. Recommended for professional dumpers and dumpees only.
5. Threatening to kill yourself if we don't leave. Also in this category: developing some really offensive behaviors hoping we'll leave you. Like no longer shaving or bathing. If we really love you, though, we might just arrange a visit for you at the local mental hospital.
6. Start a fight, exercise your contempt, so that incompatibility can serve as justification. Make us the crucible of all things wrong with the relationship. At 3 a.m., two weeks later, following an evening of tearful wallowing, we will figure it out. This deception will hurt.
7. Start seeing someone before you break up with us. Isn't that cheating? In our minds it is. This is just avoiding emotional pain, yes? It will put some rocks into the shoes of your new relationship, too.
8. "We can still be friends." Oh, no we can't. Not ever, I'm afraid. To believe that we could be friends with someone who dumps us and throws in this pseudo-ameliorating delusion (the hoped-for translation: "You're not really losing me") is the day we must acknowledge that we are indeed stupid and weak.
9. "Just because." Seriously lame, reminiscent of mommy saying: "Because I said so." Very little satisfaction here.
10. Pretending that everything is fine, and denying that anything is wrong while our sixth sense (yes, we have it) says otherwise. The longer this continues, the more invalidating, if not humiliating, it becomes.
We need you to talk about problems as they arise, which may bring us closer. Yes, we want to talk! But if it's too late, we need and deserve the direct, honest approach. We need clarity. We need concreteness. How about: "I care about you, but I don't want to go forward. This no longer works for me. I'm sorry. I know this must hurt. There are no good ways to say this." There, that wasn't so hard, was it?
Now help us move our stuff into the new place.
first appeared as a column in a weekly newspaper in 2005, writen by the author of this blog, here edited and changed slightly for this venue
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