Are You a Pushover?

John, 24, says: "I just seem to keep giving too much. I never have time for myself. I keep volunteering for stuff and saying yes all the time."

Know anyone who acts like John? He spends a great deal of his time catering to others, at his own expense.

When a friend needed help moving, John was right there, even though he had an exam the next morning. He said yes to a fraternity brother who wanted $100 for some tickets, even though John suspected he would never get his money back.

To see whether you are easy prey, answer the following beliefs and behaviors with a "yes" or "no":

1. I feel guilty or anxious when I say "no" to a request.

2. I say "yes" to things I wouldn't do if I was deciding alone.

3. I have little time for myself because I do favors for others.

4. I get talked into helping.

5. I secretly resent it when I say "yes."

6. I fear that if I say "no" to someone, they won't like me.

7. I try to avoid confrontation whenever possible.

8. If people knew what I really felt and thought, they wouldn't accept me.

9. Friends have told me I am too passive or dependent.

10. I have a hard time figuring out whom to trust.

If you answered "yes" to any of these, take a close look at what part you play in setting yourself up to be a pushover.

The more statements you identify with, the more likely it is that you are sending out signals that you can be manipulated.

Our boundaries are like radar, and the vibes you send teach others what behaviors you will tolerate. Everything you do, and everything you don't do, teaches others how to treat you.

These signs are transmitted by voice (tone, volume, and speed), by your body language (eye contact, facial expressions, movements, distance, shifts, etc.), and by the words you choose (assertive, aggressive, or passive). This dynamic is largely unconscious.

The process of shifting from a passive orientation to an assertive one takes time. It may even require some therapy. But the results of this change are impressive and predictable.

A passive, easily manipulated person who becomes more assertive discovers who her friends really are.

Exploitative people won't want to hang around with you. You will have more time to devote to what you desire. Your close friends will have a relationship with you, not what you can do for them. Perhaps best of all, you will like yourself more.















This first appeared as a column in a 2003 weekly newspaper, written by the author of this blog, herein changed slightly to fit this venue.