I firmly believe that we create our lives. We sculpt and shape our realities as well as our futures, perhaps more than we may want to admit. Yes, chance plays a role, but chance won't continue to work against anyone. If you are constantly in the throws of calamity and crisis, it is far more likely that you have arranged your life to be filled with misery.
Are their styles of behavior which guarantee wretchedness? I believe so. Try these on:
1. Blame others. There is never a problem you face for which others are not directly culpable. Since other people are responsible for the problem, you are a victim. Victimhood is a marvelous space to occupy; it's so in to be downtrodden.
2. See the world in black-and-white. It is easier to have only two interpretations of reality. A person is good or bad; school either sucks or it doesn't, capitalism is either right or wrong. The simplicity of this feels so wonderfully unambiguous.
3. Hang around with chaotic people. Hey, nothing is more exciting than having a PigPen-like cloud of interpersonal debris orbiting you. Isn't an exciting life better than a boring one? And just think of all the people whose lives you will touch!
4. Do only what feels good. And why not! Isn't that what all of us deserve, to never suffer, feel any pain, do anything difficult, go the extra mile? Forget responsibility and remember, procrastination is its own reward.
5. Please others at all costs. Always think first of what those around you need. If you can make other people happy, what does it matter that you are taken advantage of and never get what you want?
6. Avoid goals. They just keep getting in the way! Set them low, if you must set goals at all. That way, they can be reached quickly and easily.
7. Evade exertion! Just relax. Chill. Knock down a few cold ones. Working requires so much time and energy. Besides, lethargy is soooo attractive to potential mates.
8. Believe words over actions. Everyone tells the truth, tries their best and would never deliberately hurt you. If someone means well, it doesn't matter if they keep letting you down. It's the thought that counts, right?
9. Choose risky, on-the-edge activities. Life is supposed to be exciting and glamorous, and you just can't be cool unless you're living on the edge. Lots of people do crazy stuff and nothing bad happens to them. Hey, even if it does, you can't stop fate!
10. Wallow. Nobody will love me. I'm not one of the beautiful people. I'm not rich. I'm not smart enough. I don't feel good. I can't help it. It won't ever get better. It's not my fault. There's nothing I can do! You know, complaining like that can be really cleansing. I feel better already!
This first appeared as a column in a weekly newspaper in 2004. Some changes were made.
I think I've tried all these more than once and I'm still not happy, damn it.
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