Love?

We humans are never distant from our deepest desires, and none is more compelling than to create a consummate connection with a fellow traveler, a spiritual partner on a train bound for bliss, with whom we share a life of treasures as well as a blanket when the wind blows cold. We require profound connections with others, Psychology informs us, to preserve our emotional and physical health. Before describing what love is, let’s declare what love is not.  

Mature love is not dependency. Dependency occurs when someone requires the caretaking of another in order to function, to feel whole. This bargain strikes a balance wherein one feels powerful and needed while the other is esteemed because they are “cared” for. Because of these shackles, neither can grow emotionally. Dependent love is a form of mutual indentured servitude.

Love is not cruel. Some have learned to demonstrate their “love” with emotional or physical meanness. While its origins may be understood, such behavior is absolutely incompatible with love, and ought never to be tolerated, not for a second. Unfortunately, it is possible to be accustomed to anything, even misery.

Love is not lust. Contrary to the longstanding adage, lust is the blind condition, not love. The hormonal and neurochemical storm we call infatuation is nature’s way of promoting pair-bonding and procreation. Alas, it blinds us to the “true” nature of our partner. This snowstorm does not subside immediately, so it’s wise to not make commitments early in the game. Think of it this way: if infatuation is the appetizer, then love is the seven-course meal. Hors d'oeuvres may be tasty and easy to consume, but the main course is ultimately filling, even if it does require some effort to accommodate.  

So what is love? Love appears when your partner’s growth, development, and well-being are as important to you as your own. In your commitment towards this goal, you are obliged to exhibit effort. Love is not an emotion; it is ultimately a set of decisions you make. As partners weave their love into fabric, kindness must prevail over being right, and impulsivity must give way to perseverance. In these ways, the fabric of love grows more resistant to tearing.


Love ain't easy, but it is the closest we can get to another. I would argue that it is therefore worth the effort.

(This first appeared as a column in a newspaper in 2009, written by the author of this blog; small changes were made)